I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
