i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
