Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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