Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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