The maid of honor just puked.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
