dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
