haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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