I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
