We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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