I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
