ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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