Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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