seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
