I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
