Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
