No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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