I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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