I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
