Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
