I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
