so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
