He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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