Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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