the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I didn't notice because vodka
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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