Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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