I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
