I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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