I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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