Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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