Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
