I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
