So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
