6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
