I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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