WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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