Soap is not a condiment
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Randomize
