What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
