Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
