I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
