did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
