I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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