Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
