I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
