I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
