I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
