He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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