Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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