I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ketchup is God's man juice
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
