You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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