I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
