Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
