Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
