my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
