did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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