why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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