Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
