butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize