I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
