id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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