I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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