Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
