I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
